Category Archives: Kreostory

The Cure – Chapter One: Cure – Part Two : Sanatorium

Bus station – A brief encounter

I’m waiting at the bus station, when his image flows into my retina, and burns my flesh, while I grasp for the cold air and close my eyes to reduce the ashes. The gravity of his voice pulling down the mass of each word strikes like a a thunder in my brain: “Arianna, Is that you?” Julio says. I violently grasp the control of my full-size and noise control headphones, and turn volume to max.  Then I lost it all.

Hospital – Getting back together

“Arianna, you are in the hospital. You had a panic attack, and lost your consciousnesses while waiting for the bus,” says Julio. “You will be fine.”
“What happened to you? I was terrified when you left me. I looked for you to come back. Six long months passed with no sign of you.”
“I know, I know,” she says. “I could not get used with the thought of a marriage, a normal family life, it is suffocating.”
“How do you know? You never had one,” says Julio.
“I’m always running around from place to place, from people to people like a butterfly. New places, new faces. This is who I am and I have my reasoning behind all this,” says Arianna.
“I will get used to it,” says Julio. “I will adapt. I want to be with you.”
“I thought out of two of us you are the smart one. I know I will be safe with you. I don’t know if you will be safe with me,” says Arianna.
Julio smiles and touches her hair. “I’ll take my chances. Always with you. I believe in you completely. Whatever issues you have, we will find a way out.”

Wedding night – The Crash

This night is special. I am so eager to wait for the first dance with my new husband.
I remember the day I left Julio only to meet him few months later while waiting for the bus. Who doesn’t believe in destiny? At hospital, I decided to give it ago and marry him.

Julio touches my cheeks, brings his lips to my right ear and softly says, “I’m here, I’m here. Hanging in the tree.”
A crack in my moral fiber let the fear break the societal iceberg of immutable law: Do not harm.
The crack metamorphosed into a wide hole, and I welcomed my rage volcano to erupt. It was too late to run again. The hell broke loose. His red blood cells are staining my deep white wedding dress.

Sanatorium – The Cure

“Hi Arianna, glad you’re back to our reality. I have with me Dr. Ray from Artificial Intelligence department,” says the doc.

Doc, I killed him. I killed Julio. He sang the beast song, and I couldn’t stop.
“Arianna, you didn’t kill anybody. You were just living in a virtual reality. It is part of our new diagnostic and treatment process.
We hooked up you to our virtual brain. It has access and learns from your memory. Its neural networks are flexible to detect people important to the patient, and create high intensity scenarios to attract mental psychosis. As you said, the beast feeds out from any emotional vibration.
Julio’s memory became a bait for the beast to take form. The goal was for you to directly confront the beast and take action. And you did that, yes in a violent way, but nevertheless successfully. Congratulations. You’re cured,” says the doc.

Doc goes to Arianna and gives her a hug good-bye before he leaves the room. “I have to go now Arianna, I have another patient waiting.” Doc leaves the room smiling and humming along: “Waiting for you, to bring my feast.”

Inspiration

I wait to be given to me on a plate and I wait for nothing. Tactical change; I prepare the bait.
I take the tea kettle from the stove, put the flowers in the kettle and place it on the coffee table. I push the table into the belly of the room. It is my special place and I regularly feed it with flowers, today in the kettle.
I’m baiting and waiting. Today might be a good day.

In the depths, in the sea of subconsciousness, ideas begin to appear. A wave of ideas, states, creatures of darkness, smaller and bigger. Bubbles of thought that come to the surface and break into consciousness. And I feel them. They’re mine.
That pleases me. They float around, and maybe close to me there will be a bigger bubble of the unknown.
Maybe I’m lucky today. I feel lucky. Come on, now.

It appears on the surface. I feel it. This bubble of thought is different, it’s a state of mind. I see it; it is in consciousness.
No, don’t go! Don’t push yourself back into the depths of the unknown. Come back to me, back to the bait.
Yes! Eat, swallow, grow a bigger bubble and come to the surface. Come and hang yourself in the hook of the consciousness.
I got you, inspiration.

Inspiration
Inspiration
Inspiration
Inspiration
Inspiration
Inspiration

Marathon

First day
I don’t suffer. I don’t know suffering. I don’t know hours. I don’t know after and before.
When I came in this world, I came alone.
My life is made here for now. But in other parts of the future, there will be separation.

The younger
I suffer. I know hours. I know after.
When I start to suffer, I think about the hours, and the hours after the hours.
I’m tired, and young, and I have many hours left.
I don’t think about the finish line.

The elder
I’ve got used to suffering. I forget the hours. I know before.
When I suffer, I think about the hours before the hours.
I’m tired, and old, and I have many hours to remember.
Don’t quit now! Let’s go, let’s go! One more day.
I think a lot about the finish line.
Here he comes! Here comes your next!

Marathon

Marathon

Marathon

Marathon

Marathon

Marathon

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

You survived. You made it through. Scars, broken legs, damaged internal organs. Now what?

You may feel like a refugee, a displaced person who has been forced by a car accident to cross your own identity and self-boundaries, and who cannot return back, to the “you” – due to injuries, safely. It is not only the car accident, but facing your own mortality was the kicker. That forced you to become a refugee. There is no turning back, because there is no “home identity” to return. It is as your home identity was destroyed by the encounter with your own mortality. You now walk a road of grieving, a road to healing and rediscovering yourself inside and out. You are looking for a safe place to land and to establish the new “you”. Your track will take you from denial, to anger, depression, before you’ll finally reach acceptance; and your track will not stop there.

You could be deported anytime, deported by your own emotions. This will take you through difference places. You may feel happy, angry, betrayed. You will continue searching the emotional debris to find yourself.
There will be moments when you will feel great, worry free. As the great runs out, you may feel depressed. You will have to take your sister, your friend with you, carry own your family with you; do not be alone. They will help you on your emotional journey. You are lucky, because of your family, friends, and family connections.

You will share a room with your own self for months to come. With yourself, to encounter yourself. You may feel ashamed, guilty, or angry: Life, you didn’t have to go nuclear on me…and in those moments, remember these words: I can’t go on. I’ll go on.
When wake up in pain, facing another day – and no project beyond few steps seemed tenable, take a step forward repeating the phrase over and over: I can’t go on. I’ll go on.

Shit happens, experience happens. It is a fact about the world. It does not matter how bad and mad you fell about the world and the people, always, always put space and time between your thoughts and your actions. Between your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.
Day to day, week after week, you will blossom. Don’t forget to smile, to laugh.

You will have moments when your awareness will by surrounded by crazy thoughts. You will get angry, and scream at people around you. You will feel separated, as if nobody understands you. You will not see your family and your friends, as being on your side; you will feel like they cannot understand you. Yes, nobody can understand you. However, they understand various aspects, different perspectives of the situation. Each of one of them can see only a part of your picture. The father sees one, the mother a second, the sister a third, and the friend a fourth, and so on. It is the relationship between those parts that create the entire picture. This connectivity will always support you.

You have to figure out your questions. What are your questions? What are the questions that matter to you? The questions after the accident and the questions after the questions.
Do I live? Do I love? Do I matter? What is the plan?
Girlfriend? Wife? Mother? Hairstylist? Or if no idea, your answer should be I don’t know. Be honest with yourself. Find and live your calling.

The prospect of facing your own mortality can be so disorienting, so dislocating. But look from the other perspective: you got the highest motivation in life, the mortality motivation. Most people do not get that until they are old.
Life gave you a golden ticket. You know viscerally, in your body, in your scars, in your broken legs, in your damaged organs, you know that time is limited. And that the time is ticking.
Now you need to decide what to do with that motivation.
You can go two ways. You got hurt; your first reaction is to build walls, to keep the bad thing outside, to be safe. Fear of driving, fear of anything that can hurt you. But you block the connection.
On the other hand, you can go: I am on fire. I will not fail to live and love. I am on fire.

Life gave you another breath. Yes, that breath that you just took it. That felling.
When life and mortality intersected, life has chosen you. Now it is your turn to live life to the fullest every day.

You may want to take your direct experience and translate back to language, write your own experience. Keep a journal. Accommodate everything in words. Grasp the emotion and experience of such experience and redirect towards something that is powerful: words, and language.

Think about your family. Think about your father; the moment he got the call, the reality of the terrible accident, and the possibility of burying his daughter. Think about the people who love you. You are not alone. You are loved by all.

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

Fear is for the Winter

Outside, the street carries the ice, the ice carries the wheels, the wheels carry the fear, and the fear carries the driver in the winter.

With strained throat, fixed eyes and suffocated mind, the driver clenches his hands on the wheel and scratches his teeth. This cold on his spine that cuts him, makes him small by the stature, this cold felt to the bone marrow, it’s not the cold of winter, it’s fear; and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the end.

Winter is always a live theater performance of dread for the driver. He is an actor who plays the “Fear is for the Winter” daily. But every time, at the end of the day, he feels a kind of comfort: “I have passed the fear today”. So he washes the scare off thoroughly.

There are so many fears in the tree of life, real or fabricated fears. Take the smoke. The driver smokes a lot, packs of cigarettes a day, but the scare is nonexistent. The scare is nonexistent but deadly. Winter is like a tsunami of terror, wave after wave born from the imagination of fear. “You’re afraid when driving in the winter, but you’re going to mess it up in the summer on the sidewalk,” he says to himself. And he does not even seem bothered by cowardice because he did not know courage, and he grew up and surrounded himself only with people without veins.

But the most terrible virus of fear is the man himself; and the driver digs, he digs the hole of fear, and the path of consciousness is getting darker. That until the tree of life breaks.

Then one day the air of his lungs cried out of terror, the wheels crashed, the white turned red, the red coagulated, and the fear vanished; only the night without day and the eyes without light remain.

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Girl in the Rain

The girl stands in the rain of life, and let her tears disappear. She swallowed this destiny like a pill prescribed by a crazy doctor. “That’s how it is,” she said.

For some time the girl remained speechless, as if someone had taken her vocal cords and implanted them into her brain. Since then she has been screaming to herself and for herself.

In a world haunted by sorrows and sins, she finds herself in the queue of life buying her share of cheap time. But when life’s acid spills on her inner self, she runs into the bathroom and in front of the mirror she prays: “Oh life, put chain on my thoughts and tape on my soul. Put chain on my thoughts and tape on my soul because I can’t continue this way.”

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

 

 

Today – A Window to Wellbeing

Today is an opportunity to Connect, to socialize, to network, to build stronger relationships with people around us. How connected are we? Everything starts with real connections because relationships change how we feel and how well we are doing. There is a need in each of us to unite.

Today is an opportunity to Be Active, to engage in physical activities. We’ll think better, concentrate better, and do well in life.

Today is an opportunity to Take Notice of things around us and open our eyes to the importance of a new day. You know, life is actually amazing. Short and difficult, but amazing. And yours is unique.

Today is an opportunity to Keep Learning, to be curious. It doesn’t have to be formal learning, it is more curiosity than knowledge.

Today is an opportunity to Give thanks, emotional support, time, and effort to those we live and work with. Create a culture of generosity.

Today is an opportunity to build these basic steps to wellbeing into the fabric of our daily routine. Choose today and open a window to wellbeing, or ignore today and get addicted to the need for tomorrow.

Today - A Window to Wellbeing

Today – A Window to Wellbeing

Bottle Of Ignorance – Part 4

“You are a believer in good, and you think I’m on the evil side,” Jose said. “If you think I’m a sinner, then make me a sinner.
I am no ignorant. I want to embrace him and welcome him but I can’t. I am only considering the people he hurts. The people he ignores. What about them?
If he has to suffer to bring good to the rest of the people, so be it. Those emotions have to exist otherwise there will not be justice. There is peace in justice. And justice is the right thing to follow here. Suffering is part of it. Suffering is a wake up call. Suffering washes the evil. Sometime you need to suffer to get to the other side. The people who love him have to suffer also. The people close to him have to suffer too. The suffering of now for the blessing of tomorrow. The suffering of one for the happiness and peace of the group.
The sum of all this knowledge you share with me is non-sense on my part. I resort to my methods of living and no one can force me to change them. It is I who will decide the change. Maybe one day I will see through your eyes, feel through your soul and think through your mind, but not today.”
“What good will bring more suffering to this man if he’s already living in hell,” Alfonso replied. “Do you believe in justice in hell? His hell doesn’t need more suffering. His hell is the definition of suffering. What he needs is to end his suffering.
You talk justice but I hear vengeance. You take vengeance as the truth, eye for the eye. Better no truth at all than the one of your kind.”
“Can you forgive him, Jose?” Alfonso  asked.
“I have no right to forgive him,” Jose said.
“But you chose the right to condemn and sentence him,” Alfonso said.
“I am the witness of his punishment. I am no judge, Alfonso. The judges are the people who love him and experience his existence closely. They will need to forgive. They have the right to forgive him. Find them and ask them.”
“But what about your brother?” Alfonso asked. “Based on what you said, you have the right to forgive him. You love him and he hurts you. He is an alcoholic too.”
“Yes, I have the right but I can’t. He is still drinking. He is still a great source of pain for me. How can I forgive him?” Jose said.
“At least you can help him. A universal force keeps you and your brother together. I don’t understand this force; it is more like gravity and gravity will not let you fly. Gravity keeps you grounded. It doesn’t matter what you want.”
“The price is too high,” Jose said. ”I tried and I failed. For me, he is a lost cause. I better isolate from him, as much as I can. But then, I have the curse of drunk people entering my universe. If I will charge a fee at the entrance, I will at least have some monetary healing. Maybe I will start with this guy.
Alfonso, I need to stay honest with myself and this is me being honest. Do you want me to smile and fake my way of thinking and existing only to make you feel better?”
“No. But I want you to try to change,” Alfonso said.
“I give him my anger and it’s my version of truth,” Jose said. “One life lived in a state of drunkenness is not a life.”
“I challenge you to change, my friend,” Alfonso said. ”I challenge you to open your heart.
Start by imaging that you’re in charge of bringing people wellbeing, making their life better.
Play this game with me now. Imagine you’re in charge of this mission. What would you do?”
“I won’t agree to be in charge,” Jose said. “I won’t agree to imagine such a nonsense.
I live in reality. And in reality I have failed with the one I love, with my brother.
The suffering of such adults is not a concern of mine anymore. It’s part of life, their life.
And don’t protect them. They’re adults and they chose to get through their hell with alcohol in their veins.”

Bottle Of Ignorance – Part 4

Bottle Of Ignorance – Part 4

Bottle Of Ignorance – Part 3

Alfonso turned back to Jose and looked into his eyes.
“What’s got into you, man?” Alfonso questioned him. “Judging so easy. You found him guilty and gave his sentence: prison for life, or lock him forever.
You need to put your heart stamp on this. Give a hand to help when needed and, believe me, this man needs a hand.
You talked about your brother, so have some empathy. Think of your brother as the man standing in front of you.
Get a good close-up of his face; it is a human face. Put yourself in his shoes, walk as the other and look though his eyes.
All this bad talking. How many thoughts and words you have in your inner world. You think of them as private, that nobody hears them. This private world of yours makes the man you are. It defines you, so be careful of what inner world you build, the foundation of which the outer one resides on. A hallucination, a hocus-pocus one or a solid foundation.
This drunk guy is not the only intoxicated being on earth. Everything around you is part of you, like a sandwich being swallowed by a hungry mouth and making into your stomach, and you. Be a warm blanket for someone in need. Move a little closer to him, trim the space between you and him, and welcome his presence.
Do you know his name? Did you ask him? You do not care, but I bet he does. Gather in just a bit close, he doesn’t bite.
As far as I remember you, you always wanted to be safe, surrounded by everything proof. You don’t want to injure your self-esteem, to deal a blow, a big blow to your pride. But what about his pride? You insulted his soul, you executed his spirit. You think he will not remember, but he will. That kind of words shot always leaves scars.”
“That’s my way of handling people, “ Jose said. He started breathing heavily, grinding his teeth and clenching the jaw, sign of a rage building in his body.
“Are you angry with me? Shocked by your old friend?” Alfonso asked. “Do you want to spill out your anger? Hold it a bit longer, and do not dare to walk away either. How does it feel? The anger will soon transform in shame. Let yourself go, and your ego be removed from the driver seat.”
“You are a believer in good, and you think I’m on the evil side,” Jose said. ”If you think I’m the bad guy, then make me the bad guy because right this minute Alfonso, I’m close to hate you.”
“I kind of hate myself now because I’m doing the judging. But sometimes it is worth it. Today, you, and not the drunk man, increased my blood pressure. My answer is a little of nothing under the sky of everything.
Some people drink from a bottle of whisky, others from the bottle of ignorance,” Alfonso said.

Bottle Of Ignorance -  Part 3

Bottle Of Ignorance – Part 3

Bottle Of Ignorance – Part 2

Alfonso helped the drunk man stand up and looked into his eyes.
“I see a sad spirit. A bittersweet look, a wave of old memories, wave vibrating into your mind and resonating into madness.
A warm skin still you have, so you have a chance to save your soul. Save it.”
“Heaviness of my thoughts pulls me out of my mind,” the drunk man said. “Nails, hair, every day still growing inch by inch, but why?”
“To remind you of your aliveness. Your lips are still red, your mouth still let the breath move in and out,” Alfonso said
“Maybe I’m a fine man outside, lightweight cotton clothes, a businessman, but inside I am empty. I’m a layer of skin on top of a mountain of pain,” the drunk man replied. “Sweet dreams have left my nights long time ago, nightmares keeping my nights and days. From time to time I wet myself at night, like a child in fear.
The day I was born was a normal day, not a day of Buddha, or a Saint. A day when a humble human being started crawling to make it. Make it where? Nowhere. Ha, what a big ending is waiting for me and I have nowhere to hide form it.”
“You are an everyday formula of living, a complex or simple equation is up to you,” Alfonso said. “You’ve become a placeholder for a future that may never be, a slip of the present in the past or the future, one is called memory, the other imagination. Have the wisdom to know the difference.
Don’t laugh too much, don’t cry too much. Laugh when you want to laugh, cry when you feel to cry, then stop.
Find a bigger answer to your problem, what you feel now. Find a bigger purpose, and path to it. The big is in you, you just see it as a small insignificant answer.
Why do you want to keep the rain from washing away your sorrow?”

Bottle Of Ignorance - Part 2

Bottle Of Ignorance – Part 2