After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

You survived. You made it through. Scars, broken legs, damaged internal organs. Now what?

You may feel like a refugee, a displaced person who has been forced by a car accident to cross your own identity and self-boundaries, and who cannot return back, to the “you” – due to injuries, safely. It is not only the car accident, but facing your own mortality was the kicker. That forced you to become a refugee. There is no turning back, because there is no “home identity” to return. It is as your home identity was destroyed by the encounter with your own mortality. You now walk a road of grieving, a road to healing and rediscovering yourself inside and out. You are looking for a safe place to land and to establish the new “you”. Your track will take you from denial, to anger, depression, before you’ll finally reach acceptance; and your track will not stop there.

You could be deported anytime, deported by your own emotions. This will take you through difference places. You may feel happy, angry, betrayed. You will continue searching the emotional debris to find yourself.
There will be moments when you will feel great, worry free. As the great runs out, you may feel depressed. You will have to take your sister, your friend with you, carry own your family with you; do not be alone. They will help you on your emotional journey. You are lucky, because of your family, friends, and family connections.

You will share a room with your own self for months to come. With yourself, to encounter yourself. You may feel ashamed, guilty, or angry: Life, you didn’t have to go nuclear on me…and in those moments, remember these words: I can’t go on. I’ll go on.
When wake up in pain, facing another day – and no project beyond few steps seemed tenable, take a step forward repeating the phrase over and over: I can’t go on. I’ll go on.

Shit happens, experience happens. It is a fact about the world. It does not matter how bad and mad you fell about the world and the people, always, always put space and time between your thoughts and your actions. Between your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.
Day to day, week after week, you will blossom. Don’t forget to smile, to laugh.

You will have moments when your awareness will by surrounded by crazy thoughts. You will get angry, and scream at people around you. You will feel separated, as if nobody understands you. You will not see your family and your friends, as being on your side; you will feel like they cannot understand you. Yes, nobody can understand you. However, they understand various aspects, different perspectives of the situation. Each of one of them can see only a part of your picture. The father sees one, the mother a second, the sister a third, and the friend a fourth, and so on. It is the relationship between those parts that create the entire picture. This connectivity will always support you.

You have to figure out your questions. What are your questions? What are the questions that matter to you? The questions after the accident and the questions after the questions.
Do I live? Do I love? Do I matter? What is the plan?
Girlfriend? Wife? Mother? Hairstylist? Or if no idea, your answer should be I don’t know. Be honest with yourself. Find and live your calling.

The prospect of facing your own mortality can be so disorienting, so dislocating. But look from the other perspective: you got the highest motivation in life, the mortality motivation. Most people do not get that until they are old.
Life gave you a golden ticket. You know viscerally, in your body, in your scars, in your broken legs, in your damaged organs, you know that time is limited. And that the time is ticking.
Now you need to decide what to do with that motivation.
You can go two ways. You got hurt; your first reaction is to build walls, to keep the bad thing outside, to be safe. Fear of driving, fear of anything that can hurt you. But you block the connection.
On the other hand, you can go: I am on fire. I will not fail to live and love. I am on fire.

Life gave you another breath. Yes, that breath that you just took it. That felling.
When life and mortality intersected, life has chosen you. Now it is your turn to live life to the fullest every day.

You may want to take your direct experience and translate back to language, write your own experience. Keep a journal. Accommodate everything in words. Grasp the emotion and experience of such experience and redirect towards something that is powerful: words, and language.

Think about your family. Think about your father; the moment he got the call, the reality of the terrible accident, and the possibility of burying his daughter. Think about the people who love you. You are not alone. You are loved by all.

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

After the accident – searching the debris to find yourself

Fear is for the Winter

Outside, the street carries the ice, the ice carries the wheels, the wheels carry the fear, and the fear carries the driver in the winter.

With strained throat, fixed eyes and suffocated mind, the driver clenches his hands on the wheel and scratches his teeth. This cold on his spine that cuts him, makes him small by the stature, this cold felt to the bone marrow, it’s not the cold of winter, it’s fear; and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the end.

Winter is always a live theater performance of dread for the driver. He is an actor who plays the “Fear is for the Winter” daily. But every time, at the end of the day, he feels a kind of comfort: “I have passed the fear today”. So he washes the scare off thoroughly.

There are so many fears in the tree of life, real or fabricated fears. Take the smoke. The driver smokes a lot, packs of cigarettes a day, but the scare is nonexistent. The scare is nonexistent but deadly. Winter is like a tsunami of terror, wave after wave born from the imagination of fear. “You’re afraid when driving in the winter, but you’re going to mess it up in the summer on the sidewalk,” he says to himself. And he does not even seem bothered by cowardice because he did not know courage, and he grew up and surrounded himself only with people without veins.

But the most terrible virus of fear is the man himself; and the driver digs, he digs the hole of fear, and the path of consciousness is getting darker. That until the tree of life breaks.

Then one day the air of his lungs cried out of terror, the wheels crashed, the white turned red, the red coagulated, and the fear vanished; only the night without day and the eyes without light remain.

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Fear is for the Winter

Girl in the Rain

The girl stands in the rain of life, and let her tears disappear. She swallowed this destiny like a pill prescribed by a crazy doctor. “That’s how it is,” she said.

For some time the girl remained speechless, as if someone had taken her vocal cords and implanted them into her brain. Since then she has been screaming to herself and for herself.

In a world haunted by sorrows and sins, she finds herself in the queue of life buying her share of cheap time. But when life’s acid spills on her inner self, she runs into the bathroom and in front of the mirror she prays: “Oh life, put chain on my thoughts and tape on my soul. Put chain on my thoughts and tape on my soul because I can’t continue this way.”

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

Girl in the Rain

 

 

What Is – The Song

New song I’ve finished today. It’s called “What Is.”

Based on the “What Is” poem.

What Is

What Is

Lyrics:

Out of the faith that holds me here,
Thoughts are pouring into a clog,
I put “What Is” in front of them
To snake it out and clear the pain.

I am a line between two points,
Sometime a straight, sometime a curve,
And when I reach the ending point,
The pain will stop,The pain will stop.

I welcome whatever fears may show up
To this Circus of the Past,
I am the memory kept alive,
By the intrinsic motion of time.

In episodes of low destiny,
I have not turned my hope away,
I have not knelt for quick relief,
Nor betrayed my only soul.

I’m the buffalo running wild,
Chased by bullets, and worries, and fears,
Beneath the torment of blood,
My head is clear and triumphant.

I am the entity holding,
The pain at day, the relieve at night,
I am the foot and the head,
I am the bottom and the top,
I am a copy of yesterday,
Squeezed out of life at the end,
But still the holder of my remains.(twice)

I am the wall when I see the wall.
Day and night, I am awake,
I am the dreamer of this place,
A stable dream, but still a dream.

I am the influence of my life,
I am the keeper of my conditional mind,
Sometime I need an invitation,
To inject “What Is” in front of everything.

What Is

Out of the faith that holds me here,
Thoughts are pouring into a clog,
I put “What Is” in front of them
To snake it out and clear the mind.

I am a line between two points,
Sometime a straight, sometime a curve,
And when I reach the ending point,
The pen will stop, refill, and start drawing again,
A new line.

I welcome whatever fears may show up
To this Circus of the Past,
I am the memory kept alive,
By the intrinsic motion of time.

In episodes of low destiny,
I have not turned my hope away,
I have not knelt for quick relief,
Nor betrayed my only soul.

I’m the buffalo running wild,
Chased by bullets, and worries, and fears,
Beneath the torment of blood,
My head is clear and triumphant.

I am the entity holding,
The pain at day, the relieve at night,
I am the foot and the head,
I am the bottom and the top,
I am a copy of yesterday,
Unskilled at birth, squeezed out of life at the end,
But still the holder of my remains.

I am the wall when I see the wall.
Day and night, I am awake,
I am the dreamer of this place,
A stable dream, but still a dream.

I am the influence of my life,
I am the keeper of my conditional mind,
Sometime I need an invitation for a reboot,
To inject “What Is” in front of everything.

What Is

What Is

Opposites and moments

Concepts:
Good, this, true, you.
Everything we know are concepts.
Every one of them has opposites:
Good and bad, this and that, true and untrue, I and you.
We either think in opposites, or we don’t think.

Written on the wall of our reality are opposites,
Reflected in stories and
Changes,
Many of them we can’t explain, but deeply feel in our
Moments,
Each one – an opportunity for
Awareness,
Our journey is a series of moments.

Easy is to look at others and
Be upset with their words and actions,
Going beyond the opposites and see that
People have their own path –
Whether we like it or not, that’s
Compassion.

Opposites and moments

Opposites and moments